|Author: Athea (email@example.com)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Title: The Child of Love, part two
Date: 24 December 2001
The afternoon passed quickly while he explored the cottage and the nearby countryside. I watched him greet each new experience with a smile and a laugh even if it was about himself. He tripped and fell into a gorse bush within an hour of his arrival, needing help to get out without getting more stickers in him than he already had.
It was the first time I touched him. It was only his hand and I quickly let it go in order to cast a de-sticker spell. But the warmth stayed with me and I found myself looking at him, as I'd never allowed myself to do before. He was joy incarnate. Everything was met with the wide-eyed look of wonder that I'd first seen so long ago when he first came to Hogwarts.
That had hurt then and I'd been harder on him than on any of his classmates. But over the years his sweetness had worn down my resistance until I'd begun to look forward to his class. I had been as careful as I knew how to not show the change to the others. That would do him harm with some of the others like Malfoy and his son. I didn't dare take that chance.
But here, away from spying eyes, I could feel myself relaxing some of those barriers that I kept between myself and the rest of the world. He'd even made me laugh out loud twice with his schoolboy humor. It had been years since I'd done that. Voldemort had drained all the joy from me long ago.
Perhaps a little was seeping in again, fed by the laughter that Harry dispensed with such a lavish hand. We walked for several hours, mostly in silence. But occasionally he gave me the gift of a memory of two of his about his family, his real family, not the Muggles he'd been living with. When he finally asked me about my kin, I was able to share the memory of my tenth birthday.
That one was safe enough and one of the memories that I'd clung to while with Voldemort. Mother and Father were still with me and the cake was enormous with all the icing that any youngster could possibly want. Odd, but I could still taste the creamy white confection. I hadn't thought about that in years.
He beamed at me and countered with the memory of his fourth birthday when he'd gotten a black kitten that promptly jumped into his cake and came up streaked with white. That was the first time he made me laugh. The second time was after he ate a bite of the pasta that I'd cooked the old fashioned way with a stove and a pot. His eyes had widened and he told me that it was better than anything he'd ever eaten before.
I told him that all that work with potions had to have some benefit. He'd choked while trying to laugh and swallow at the same time. I'd gently slapped his back until the offending shell had come back out. His peals of laughter had proven infectious and I'd joined him for a brief moment. I could feel him melting some of the walls of ice behind which I'd retreated so long ago.
And that frightened me enough that I pulled back inside myself. He seemed to understand because he cheerfully washed the dishes after dinner with a quip about taking turns cooking and washing up. I added a log to the fire and thought about what Dumbledore hoped would happen this week while we were alone together. I hadn't been joking when I told him that I was unable.
The first time that Voldemort raped me, I'd lost any erection that I might have had and never had another that wasn't spell related. I'd read up on the subject when I returned to Hogwarts and I thought I understood why. Perhaps something of this whole debacle could be salvaged. If I let Harry take me, then he wouldn't be hurt. I liked the young man that I'd watch growing up.
It wasn't love but then I doubted that I could feel that emotion anymore.
Would 'like' be enough to create the child of love?
"Severus, would you mind if I asked you some questions?" Harry joined me on the rug in front of the fireplace where I sat watching the yellow flames leap joyously along the log. "I'm a little scared."
I nodded stiffly. "That makes two of us, Harry. What are your questions?"
He bit his lip, worrying it the way he did when he was pondering one of my little tests. "I told the headmaster that I hadn't even kissed anybody. Have you?"
I nodded jerkily. "My wife expected it. It is not an unpleasant sensation if you like the person you're kissing."
"Could we start with that then, a kiss so I'll know what that's like?" His shy look melted another wall around my heart. "I do like you."
Oh Harry, my little innocent, I thought to myself. "I think I can manage that."
Then I leaned forward at the same moment that he did. His eyes were screwed shut and his lips trembled. I brushed mine over his gently, feeling like trembling myself. Once, then again with a little more pressure until his lips parted and I tasted the sweetness that was his alone. I suddenly wanted more but my iron control still held firm and I kept it light, almost teasing.
It was the best I could do.
We pulled apart at the same moment. His eyes opened wide and he gulped before he spoke. "Wow."
And that's when I laughed out loud for the third time. "Wow? That's a good thing then?"
He smiled sheepishly and nodded. "If that's what it's like then I understand why some of the others enjoy it so much."
I felt tears fight to get out but I held them back. "As I said, when friends kiss it can be enjoyable."
Harry tilted his head, the way he did when he was thinking hard about something. "Then we must be friends, Severus. Because I really enjoyed it and that helps a lot."
And with that amazing statement, he leaned in and kissed me again. I was so shocked that I parted my lips for his questing tongue. He was an extremely fast learner and I almost whimpered when he pulled away. His eyes were intent on my face when my eyes flew open to protest him leaving.
"Good night, Severus, I think we're going to be all right." He patted my hand before jumping to his feet and heading up the stairs to the second bedroom. The homey sounds of water running and the toilet flushing brought another smile to my face.
He was an amazing young man. Perhaps we really would be all right.
The black darkness hid me for a moment then the ice cold mage light found me and my master summoned me to his bed. I was sore and aching all ready from the beating he'd given me for failing to make the potion he'd tasked me with. But those aches were nothing compared to what he would make me feel now.
I held back the whimpers that I wanted to let out, kneeling at the foot of his bed naked, the way he'd told me to the week before when he commenced these new lessons. I'd finally finished bleeding so it was time for him to give me another 'treat'. I was beginning to wish that this lesson would just kill me and release me from his power.
"Come, boy, don't be sullen or I shall be forced to give you to my guards for their pleasure. I don't think you'd like that at all." The cold voice slithered around me like the snakes he sent to me at all hours of the day and night.
"No, my Lord, I want only you to touch me." I forced the words out past trembling lips and he chuckled. Perhaps there'd be no pain this time.
But there was.
"Severus, wake up." A gentle hand tentatively touched my shoulder and I awoke with a gasp. "You were having a nightmare."
Harry, it was only Harry and I was no longer that scared fourteen-year-old forced into a sorcerer's bed. "Sorry."
He had turned the small bedside lamp on and I took a shuddering breath then another. "I'm going to make some hot tea. I'll bring you some."
I managed to nod while I resurrected my barriers. How sick was it when an innocent kiss could trigger the vile memories of rape and torture? I got up and went to the bathroom to shower away the night sweats. The heat finally penetrated the cold that nightmare always brought with it. Toweling off, I wrapped it around me and headed back into my bedroom.
Harry was sitting on the foot of my bed with the tea tray beside him. His eyes widened when he saw me half-naked and he blushed hard. "Sorry, I thought you might need to talk."
He closed his eyes to give me privacy and I compromised by pulling on fresh pajama bottoms and crawling back into bed. His eyes popped back open and he poured the steaming tea for us both. I cradled it in my hands and absorbed its warmth. We drank silently while I tried to think of something to say.
"Was it kissing me that brought back the bad memories?" He spoke softly and the look of misery in his eyes changed what I might have said.
"He never kissed me, Harry, he beat and raped me but never once showed any affection for me." I swallowed hard and clutched my cup. "It's all I know about the act of sex. The Wizard's Council arranged my marriage. I ... let her lead me and used a spell to make it," dear God how to put this, "good for her."
"So it was never good? Ever?" This time the pain was for me. For me.
"No, I watched others fall in love and I used to wonder why they did it. Why the pain was what they wanted?" I shook my head. "Then I began to notice that they weren't in pain but were instead, filled with joy. That's when I fell into the sin of envy. For a while, I think I truly hated the 'lucky ones'."
"Is that why you disliked me so much when I first came to Hogwarts?" He saw right to the heart of me.
"Yes. I could see from the first that you were destined for great things and I was jealous of the ease with which you sailed through your studies." I owed him my honesty at the very least. "I would apologize more but I think that some of those hard lessons helped you when ... Voldemort first appeared."
This time the smile was fainter but he nodded. "They did, Severus and I thank you for them. I was afraid for a long time that I wouldn't be strong enough or smart enough to keep myself safe. Worse, I was afraid that I'd get others hurt, too."
"Do not worry about that, Harry. You have the strength to overcome him. That's why he's so afraid of you." I needed to somehow show him his true worth. "You will never be alone in this battle. Dumbledore and I will be there as well as all your friends."
And he beamed again. "I know that now. Um, going back to that other problem we have, did you ever do any tantric reading?"
I blinked. "Tantric magic?"
"Kind of. Draco taunted me one day about me not knowing what to do with my," he blushed and fumbled for the words, "my privates. Hermione gave me the shelf number where I could find some good books on the subject. That was last year and I kind of enjoyed reading them. It made a big difference when I started touching myself."
That picture almost made my cock twitch. Trust Harry Potter to turn a slur into a learning opportunity. It's why he'd win it all for the Light. "You think they might help me?"
"Well," he grinned suddenly, "they couldn't hurt."
I dropped my eyes to my cup. "We might not need them if you are the one in control." There, I'd said it. I'd made the offer to let him use me. Part of me hoped he'd refuse but another faint voice inside my head whispered cautious optimism.
"Severus, we either both enjoy this or we don't do it at all." His voice was calm and sure.
Raising my eyes, I watched him climb off the bed and move the tea tray to the trunk at the foot. Then he matter-of-factly raised the duvet at my side and slid in next to me. Well, that was one way to make a statement. I lay down every muscle tense with remembered pain.
"Could you please put these on the side table?" He held out his glasses to me.
Such trust he gave me with that simple gesture. My hand was shaking but I took them gingerly and laid them aside, turning off the lamp at the same moment. I could hear him breathing and slowly his warmth crept across the flannel sheets to my arm. I'd never slept with anyone before. My wife had her own bedroom and bed that she preferred. I had always slept alone. Harry had to have been a solitary, too but here he was protecting me from the dark memories that haunted me.
"Thank you, Harry." I turned my head and watched him turn towards me.
"You're welcome, Sev. Sweet dreams." His teeth gleamed for a moment so I knew he was smiling.
We'd see about that. I calmed my mind as best I could and began the wizard equivalent of counting sheep. For me, that meant organizing my potion cupboard alphabetically by ingredient. It rarely failed and I fell asleep by the time I got to gnat's breath.