Author: Athea (
Fandom: Magnificent 7, ATF universe
Pairing: Ezra Standish and Vin Tanner
Title: Matchmaker, part 11
Summary: Ezra tells Vin of his past.
Date: 7 April 2001
Ezra, part eleven

Vin was an amazing man. Warm, loving, affectionate and absolutely the most beautiful person it has ever been my fortune to know. And he loved me. That was what I found the most overwhelming, the love that shone from him with every look and gesture. I had never done anything in my 31 years to deserve that warmth but I was determined that I would do whatever I had to do to keep him happy.

His curious mind kept me constantly on the alert to explain some of the things that the Book, as he called it, wrote about. I discovered that it was The New Joy of Gay Sex and we read parts of it together. He still blushed at some of the black and white illustrations, which were rather explicit but they definitely did their job at exciting him. No one performed oral sex with the enthusiasm and finesse that he did.

But then I enjoyed fellating him whenever I had the chance. I was addicted to his taste but even more so by his scent. He had J. D. bring him some clothes from his apartment and his shampoo came with them. I think I will always associate him with that sweet but tart herbal smell. I wanted to think that I would never have to be without it, however I was still rather wary of the future.

But ... I wanted to believe him when he said he loved me.

I knew how much I meant it when I said the words to him. I'd never meant anything more surely than I did those simple three syllables. And as the days went by, I grew more aware of just how much I did mean them. Frightening thoughts filled my mind, like living together and cleaving only to each other, the forever-love-vows that I'd been so sure that I would never, ever make.

But I wanted to make them with him.

He always seemed to know when I grew frightened. He would back away, giving me the space to take a few deep breaths and center myself again. I had the lowering thought that his skills came from gentling his horses and when he teased me about being skittish, I knew I'd been right.

But then I've been compared to worse things.

We talked almost nonstop for two more days while I slowly healed. Vin constantly surprised me with his insight. With every look and touch he told me that he loved me. I hardly knew what to do except love him back with every fiber of my being. And I did love him with all my heart and soul.

But would it be enough?

"Ezra, you're thinking those heavy thoughts again." A callused finger stroked gently between my eyes and I felt like purring.

"Is what we're doing enough for you, Vin?" I had to ask.

"Shoot, Ez', we're making love practically every minute of the day. I'm enjoying the hell out of it." His grin sparked my own.

"Tomorrow we're going out to Chris' for the hockey game. What do the others expect of us?" Part of me wanted to stay inside of these four walls and never go out.

"They're our friends, Ezra, and they'll treat us like guys they haven't seen in a while. I expect that Buck has quite a bit of gossip to pass on to us." He nuzzled my throat, lapping at the hollow and warming me all the way through. "And I expect that Nathan will make us go hiking out in the fresh air because we ain't been doing much exercising."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." I tilted my head a little to entice him up my neck to the hot spot behind my ear.

He chuckled and obliged me. We were necking on the sofa with our feet on the coffee table, not something that I'd ever done before and I was enjoying it immensely. I nestled in his arms and felt his groin stir beneath me once again. His powers of recuperation were amazing. And I was the lucky recipient of his ardor.

Perhaps it was time to give him the ultimate pleasure?

My shirt was already unbuttoned and his warm lips were ghosting over my nipples while I caught my breath at the feelings that rippled through me. His loving care was not something I'd ever experienced before but I thought I could get used to it. He was gently biting the nipple over my heart and my hands combed through his silky hair to hold him there.

I could come just like this but with a sigh, I pulled his head up with a gentle tug.

"Did I hurt you?" He frowned as if that could possibly happen.

"No, Vin, you could never hurt me." I trailed my fingers down his cheek to those lips that haunt my dreams. "But I'm getting too close. Could we adjourn to the bedroom?"

"Course we can, Ez'. These pesky clothes are just getting in my way anyway." He grinned and slid off the couch, offering me a hand up.

The butterflies in my stomach were flapping their wings a little harder as we walked back, hand in hand to my bedroom. I'd cleaned myself out before lunch with one of the Fleet enemas that I kept on hand. After my first undercover case, I couldn't seem to get rid of the raw emotions that went along with my impersonation of a low-level mob muscleman.

While in the drugstore filling my sleeping pill prescription, I overheard an obviously gay couple arguing about the benefits of enemas. I enjoy listening to stray bits of conversation that you hear in public places. Since I was a child, I'd made up little plays from those tidbits of dialog. They kept me busy when I was alone and lonely as I so often was.

But this time, the words brought a different picture into my mind. Cleansing. Flushing away my inner fears and turmoil. I'd bought my first enema then and it had seemed to help rid me of that case. Since then, I had gone undercover so many times that I'd long since lost track. But each time, I'd survived to come back and cleanse myself of most of the emotions.

Some of them would never go away and I learned to live with them.

But now I was cleaning myself for a very different reason. I was making room for Vin in my body, the way I had made room for him in my heart.

"Ez', you feeling all right? Your heart is beating double time." Vin had started undressing me and I'd been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed.

"I'm just excited about going to bed." I confessed and slid the blue shirt off those wide shoulders of his.

"We've gone to bed quite a few times, Ezra, but I got to admit that I'm kind of excited my'ownself." He grinned at me and unsnapped my jeans, slowly sliding the zipper down while I shivered at the feel of those callused fingers against my sensitive skin.

"Oh," I bit my lip when he kept on sliding my pants over my hips and down my legs. "Vin, don't tease."

"Not teasing, Ez', just undressing you so's I can feel all of you against all of me." He tapped my right leg and I lifted it obediently, then my left leg so he could take my jeans off completely.

Then he stood so I could return the favor. There is nothing more awe inspiring then watching his satin skin appear inch by inch. Kneeling, I slid off his jeans. He'd gone commando and his beautiful cock bobbed in front of me, demanding that I touch and taste him. The very thought that I would soon have him deep inside of me made me grow harder, if that was possible. Rubbing my cheek along his slender length, I surprised him into a chuckle.

"Ez', you're just like that old tabby cat that we had when I was two."

That brought a smile to my face. "I've been called worse, Vin. Mother always said that I was just like a cat, fastidious and disdainful."

He raised me to my feet with that little wrinkle between his eyes that told me he wasn't sure what those words meant. I hated it when I confused him and I made haste to explain.

"She just meant that I hated getting dirty like a cat who's always licking his fur. And as a good host, I think that it would be only proper if I helped you clean yourself, Vin." Twisting us a little, I made sure that he landed on the bed first. Then I began a thorough cleaning with my tongue, starting at his throat and working my way down.

His laughter was such a gift to me.

I was nervous but determined while I teased him into a state of complete arousal with my licks and nips. He was groaning when I straddled his hips and leaned down to kiss him. I feasted on him with abandon while I reached behind and grasped his cock. The angle had to be just right or I'd botch it. But I wanted to give him this gift of my body since it was all I had to give.

And with a determined push, I had him inside of me. He groaned or I groaned, I'm not sure which of us it was. I broke the kiss so I could sit up and take him all the way inside. Only when I was sitting on his thighs with him as deep as he could be did I open my eyes to look down at him.

It hurt but not enough to stop me from smiling. The burn wasn't quite as bad as I remembered it from before but then Vin wasn't as well endowed as my first male lover. I banished all thoughts of the man who'd come before. He didn't belong on the same planet as my wonderful new lover.

"Ezra, why?" Vin's frown was back and his hands stroked my thighs almost hesitantly as if he might hurt me.

"I love you, Vin." I shrugged and used my thigh muscles to rock up and down just a little to see if that changed the burn. It did a little and I knew the moment that his cock brushed against my gland. "Oh!"

"What? Did I hurt you?" He tried to move us to our sides but I resisted.

"No, Vin, you just hit my prostate and it feels wonderful." I started rocking a little more and threw in some muscle contractions.

"Oh, God, you're right. That feels ... feels like heaven." His eyes were half-slitted and I could feel his hips try to come up.

So, I relaxed a little more and fell forward so I could kiss him while he thrust up and hit my gland again and again. When we had to breathe, I grinned at him. "I can see why you're our sharpshooter, Vin. Oh, there."

He angled just right and massaged my gland into incandescent warmth. And with a whisper, he did it again. "Bulls-eye, Ezra."

"Indeed," was all the energy I had to spare for speech.

We didn't last much longer after that, it was still too new to both of us. When I came all over his chest, my inner muscles milked him of his own climax and I felt his liquid heat flood me completely. He pulled me down to him and cuddled me close. I listened to the beating of his heart and felt content for the first time in such a long time.

"Ezra, I love you." His hands stroked my shoulders. "I didn't hurt you?"

"Never have, never will, Vin." I felt all my muscles dissolving into putty. "The Book was right, it does feel good when you love the person you're with."

His arms hugged me close. "Why today? Why not say something?"

My head came up. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

He shook his head with a faint smile. "You felt better than anything I've ever felt before. But I'm a mite concerned that you were afraid to ask me first."

I bit my lip, worrying it the way I usually only did when I was alone. His right hand came up and laid two fingers across my mouth so I had to stop. Those bright blue eyes were steady on mine and I knew that I'd have to come up with an explanation of sorts. But another look and I knew with a sinking heart that he deserved the truth.

And I would have to share a part of my past that hurt just thinking about it. "When I was twenty-one, I finished college and joined my first alphabet agency. Most of what we did was top secret so I'm afraid that I can't talk about it but my partner was an experienced agent of several years. He was also very handsome and ... and I fell for him in a way I'd never fallen before."

This was harder than I'd thought it would be. I wanted to hide from his all-seeing gaze but he deserved to know how foolish I'd been. While I was taking a deep breath in order to continue, he slipped from me and we both groaned at the loss of connection. For a moment, I felt the terrible emptiness then Vin was rolling us to our sides and taking my lips with a passion.

He entwined his tongue around mine and sucked them both into his hot, wet mouth. Some of the pain went away and I could feel myself calming. More and more, I feared that I was indeed acting like one of Vin's horses.

"Ezra, I love you and whatever you tell me will be safe with me." He spoke quietly and rested his forehead against mine.

"I know that, Vin." I took another deep breath while he pulled the comforter from the foot of the bed over both of us. We were cocooned in warmth and I sighed contentedly. "His name was Tyler Brown and we'd just finished our second assignment when I made the great mistake of showing him my feelings. Perhaps it was the relief of tension after a dangerous time, I don't know for sure. But he took me up on my offer with a smile and a laugh."

Swallowing the old pain, I took another breath. "We were in Jamaica in October and the whole island seemed so romantic to me. I was living in a fool's paradise, I suppose. He wined and dined me until I was feeling no pain. We went back to my room and when he kissed me, I just melted. It felt so good to let down my defenses and be with someone else with all my heart."

The memory was so full of pain that I closed my eyes and held onto Vin with all my strength. His soft murmur calmed me somewhat while he rocked me slowly in his arms.

"We undressed each other and that's when I saw how very big he was. I had a moment of fear when I saw him begin to harden and grow even longer but he just laughed and told me that I would love how he would make me feel." I paused a moment, remembering my naïve self. "I trusted him."

"Son of a bitch." Vin's voice was deadly in its intensity. "I've never even met him but I already hate his guts."

I tried to smile over the lump in my throat. "He taught me a valuable lesson, Vin. It's why I don't ... I don't trust easily. But I do trust you and the other members of our team."

"And we trust you, Ezra, don't you ever forget that we're there for you in all ways." He kissed my temple tenderly and that gave me the strength to continue.

"We kissed for a few moments in the bed and his hand stroked me to climax disgracefully quickly. When I apologized, he just laughed and said that I was so young that I had plenty more to 'come'. The little pun relaxed me and when he slid a slick finger behind my balls and up my crease, I let him. I was afraid of his size but determined to make him feel as good as he'd made me feel. When he moved me over to my stomach, I thought it was just so he could loosen me more. But he brought me up to my knees and thrust three fingers into me. It hurt but when he hit my gland that felt good. I was afraid to say anything and he kept telling me that I was his ... his bitch and I could take it."

Vin kept on petting me while I told him of the disgraceful details. "It's okay, Ezra, I've got you. And I'm not letting go."

"Then ... he took his fingers out and thrust in with all his strength." I could still feel the tearing, blinding pain that filled me. "I screamed and begged him to stop but he laughed out loud and told me to take it like the bitch-in-heat that I was. He told me that I'd been asking for a ... a righteous fucking ever since we'd been paired. And he kept on fucking me, over and over while I begged him to stop."

I could feel the tears well up again, remembering the awful pain from someone I thought I could trust. Thought I could love. The ice threatened to come back, that black ice that had coated my heart all those long years ago. But Vin was there, holding me, telling me he loved me and he kept me from freezing once again.

"Love you, Ezra. I love you so much and I'm not ever letting you go. No one will ever hurt you like that again." He kept reassuring me with words and touches that kept me anchored to the here and now.

"I never did come that night. I started to freeze when he pulled out of me and slapped my bleeding ass. He told me that he had a bet with the agent who gave us our assignments that he could take me before our first year was up. He said he'd never had a more unappetizing fuck in his life. I was a poor lover and a frozen bitch who was a born bottom for real men."

The words still hurt even after a decade of trying to forget them. Tyler had been a master at the psychological put-down. He and my mother had both managed to leave me feeling like a reject and totally unworthy of their regard.

"He better hope that he never meets me, Ez'." Vin's voice was deadly in its intensity. "I got a bullet with his name on it. Nobody hurts you like that and gets away with it."

I hid my face in his shoulder. "I asked for reassignment the next week and got sent to the Orient. It took me three years to feel the glimmer of a lighter emotion and my luck held sway even then. She was the daughter of one of the most important families in Hong Kong. I thought perhaps I might love again, that Tyler was an aberration. She used me as a decoy in a power struggle between two of the leading Tongs. When I discovered the truth, I taxed her with it ..."

"Tell me, Ezra, let it all out of your system." He laid a line of soft kisses all the way down my hairline.

"She laughed and told me that I was a poor excuse for a lover. I had no passion in me and was only good for show. My façade was all she wanted." I swallowed hard and felt myself go limp in his arms. "That's when I requested a transfer to Central America and decided not to trust anyone ever again. And I haven't ... not until I got assigned to Team Seven."

And I waited for his judgment.

"My beautiful Ezra, they didn't realize what they threw away." He kissed my lips softly and waited until I opened my eyes before continuing. "I love you and I always will. They were fools and lower than dirt to treat you with anything less than the respect you deserve. And my Mama taught me to never hit a lady but I'm willing to make an exception in Her case."

He was an amazing man, my Vin. All he saw was my pain and his first instinct was to make me feel better. I didn't deserve him in the least but I would fight like hell for him now. What I felt for him was so much more than what I thought I'd felt for either of my previous lovers, that there was no comparison.

"I love you, Vin. It's not much but you may have my heart if you want it." I managed to whisper to him.

Vin shook his head while the lump seemed to crawl higher in my throat, cutting off my air. "Nope, Ezra, but if you're willing, I'll trade you mine for yours."

The relief was almost more than I could bear. And the damn stammer came back. "R-r-really?"

"Absolutely, cross my heart and hope to die." He performed the childhood ritual solemnly.

I blushed and dropped my eyes again. "You've had mine since the day we met."

"Good. Now I want you to put that plug back inside me so's I can keep stretching for you." He kissed me hard before letting go and reaching for the drawer where we kept the play toys.

"Vin, you don't have to just because I do." I rose up on one elbow and immediately noticed the drying cum that matted my chest and his. "We need to clean up."

"After you put this back inside of me." He said firmly. "I know I don't have to but I want to know what it's like, even if it's just once."

I opened my mouth to say something else but what ever it was fled my mind at the sight of Vin smearing lotion on the toy he'd worn several days before. All my higher reasoning goes completely away when he does something like that and I found myself reaching out for it while he got on his hands and knees. His sultry look would have made a marble statue respond and I made sure he was well moistened before I slowly slid the oddly shaped plastic inside of him.

"More." He wriggled a little and I obligingly pushed it in enough to spark his gland. "Damn, that feels good. Now, let's go take a bath so you can torment me some more."

I stroked my hands over his cheeks, pushing the plug in each time I went by. "Vin, you have the most beautiful ass, I have ever been privileged to see. After our bath, I have another toy you might enjoy."

He sent me a questioning look but I tried for an innocent gaze that he saw right through. "It's a date, Ezra. You, me, this bed and a new toy, right after our bath."

"It's a date." I nodded and helped him from the bed, trying not to laugh at his ungainly gait away from the bed.

He was the greatest treasure of my life and I would make sure that he was never hurt, especially not by my actions. Vin would never come to harm if I had any say in the matter. He'd taken all of my shameful past and shown me that there was still something inside of me he could love.

No one had ever done that before and gratitude overflowed my cold heart, warming me the way nothing had in the past. He had always been my talisman and now he was the light that lit my way out of the darkness of my soul. I would love him the best I knew how and hope it was enough.

For now.

End part eleven